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Whether you're separated or divorced, or live in a city or country for a long time because of a job, your relationship with your children doesn't have to be distant. Psychologist and Special Education Specialist Bihter Mutlu Gencer “It is in your hands that the word ırak out of sight gön is not validated for your children,” he says.
Do not complain that you cannot be in constant contact with your child. It's your choice! It is your choice to be divorced; it is your choice and your children should not pay the bill if you have to live away for business due to better opportunities. If such a choice has been made, remember that the most important issue that must be put in the way of this election is the fulfillment of children's need for love and trust. Psychologist and Special Education Specialist Bihter Mutlu Gencer “Distant parents are longed for by children, of course nothing can satisfy the longing for physical embrace, but the need for love and trust for their psychological development can be met as if you were with you. It is possible to achieve this through a systematic, planned, proper and positive communication with the other parent. Of course, a little devotion and creativity is a must. ”
Pay attention to the divisions due to divorce!
Things are a little easier when it's just for work and because of predetermined time separations. However, more complicated factors may interfere when the couples' separation or divorce occurs. Parents' anger at each other, differences of ideas probably reflected in the methods of child rearing, new spouses and new relationships with children, etc. just some of the compelling factors. When it seems that things cannot be quit, it is a good idea to get help from an expert. Bihter Gencer; The first of the main attitudes to be followed in such cases is that the couples separate their negative feelings from their relationship with the child and at least when they are children, they are able to act together in a civilized and logical manner. Görün No matter how guilty you see the other side (your child can't feel like you), you should allow the child to establish a healthy relationship with him, not let him grow up with your thoughts, but to recognize him. When the child is with the other parent or talking on the phone, actions such as sending messages to the other party and trying to learn about his or her life cause the child to be forced to keep it pure and to feel guilty and even learn to act politically over time. Let your child feel comfortable and enjoy the relationship. Tell your child that it is completely acceptable for you to love and want to be with the other parent, and make him feel it (for example, if he is a distant father) that they can call him when he wants to know that it is natural to miss his father, “do you love cars and your father loves too?” Positive statements for the other parent, such as “I'm sure your father misses you very much, would you like to call him”, will eliminate the child's feelings of guilt and confusion. In addition, if the new spouses have taken their place in this scenario, the best attitude for the child is to separate the negative emotions from the child's relationship (you can try to live and manage yourself without making your child feel these feelings) and to provide a positive support for the healthy relationship that the child is trying to establish. "
As it is known, it is very important that events are predetermined and predictable for children to feel safe. For this, a system of communication and interviewing with the remote parent should be established and the child should be aware of this system and be predictable by it. For example, when and how the child will meet with the distant parent, phone calls to be made at certain times (every evening, every 3 days, or every Wednesday at 8 am), for face-to-face interviews, for example on weekends, the first weekend of each month, or summer holidays. Of course, the predetermined times of the first half of the holiday, depending on the distance, of course, are important factors for the development of confidence in the child. Bihter Gencer warns, ziyaret Visits to surprise at unspecified times can cause the child's distant parent to feel at any moment, and ultimately lead to feelings of disbelief.
What to do?
First of all, with the positive support and certainty provided by both parents in this way, the work for remote parenting is left to the creativity of parents. Since the speaking skills of children up to 2-2,5 years are not developed well, it may not be possible to talk by phone until this age, the only purpose of the phone call is to have your child listen to your voice. Instead of open-ended questions like n what did you do today? Öncesi, your preschoolers can give you easier answers to questions like mi did you go to the park today? In addition, you can set up the necessary program and web camera systems to use the internet chat facilities. In addition, you can send photos of small stories written on the back, reading weekly tales, children's songs, singing rhymes, tapes that you record your voice, or there are various daily activities in your life, you can prepare and send weekly CDs you shoot yourself. When you are with your children, you can also send the CDs that you have taken to watch them later. You can send letters to your children, you can put balloons, colored papers, stickers, candies, gums, etc. according to their age. You can develop common interests according to the age of children. For example, you can start a napkin collection together and show them to each other when you get together. You can decide to watch a television program or a match every week with your school age or adolescent child, and even watch the first five minutes together on the phone and then comment on the phone. You can cut news and cartoons from local newspapers of your location. It is possible to duplicate samples. Instead of feeling guilty for not being there when your child grows up, crossing a lot of steps of development, it is up to you to do whatever it takes to be able to take your place in his life and meet his need for love and trust, no matter how far away you are.
ELELE Child and Family Psychological Counseling and Special Education Center
Tel: 0212 223 91 07