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A harsh reality of marriage after kids no one talks about

A harsh reality of marriage after kids no one talks about


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As hard – make that nearly impossible, terrifying, awful, and heartbreaking – as it is to admit, 2014 is the year my husband and I seemed to have lost something pretty important: our connection.

No, we've probably been losing it for a while. But this is the year I put out an APB looking for it.

I'm not sure when our connection started its slow, cruel disintegration.

The truth is, we've always been really different from one another.

Seriously, we have almost nothing in common.

For instance, I like to run and he doesn't.

He likes football. I so don't.

He drinks beer. I drink wine.

He is rational. I am emotional.

He works. I parent.

Lately, our differences feel really big. So big, they are all I can see.

Like when he returns home from a day at the office, wearing a suit and tie, and finds me scrubbing some mess off the floor, wearing jeans and a flannel.

Or when he calls during the day to ask my advice about something work related, and I have to call him back because I'm busy wiping someone's butt.

We try to connect. After the kids are in bed, we sit and have dinner, and talk about our days. I'm nodding with empathy as he describes a situation that came up at the office, but on the inside I'm thinking, "I can't relate to this at all."

And he says he understands how overwhelming it's been for me to care for three kids with colds, coughs and ear infections, but does he?

He isn't here. He didn't take whining, miserable children to their doctor's appointments. He didn't panic when the little one maybe, possibly started wheezing during dinner.

I want desperately to feel more connected.

But I can't shake the feeling that we have somehow segmented our lives, and responsibilities past the point of connection.

Sure, we dabble in each other's worlds.

He puts the kids to bed when he's home in time, and he hangs out with them on the weekends so I can go for a run.

And I do alright as a freelance writer and blogger. I contribute. Yay me!

Except, so not yay. Because despite supporting one another, we are still two ships passing in the night.

Photo: Flickr

And when we are together, we are so focused on the kids' needs, we rarely even make eye contact.

Whoa.

That sounds disgusting. But it's reality.

I hate it.

But I don't know how to change it.

And one or two date nights isn't going to fix it.

So if there's one thing I hope to find in 2015, it's our connection. Because under all the kid stuff, and responsibilities, and day-to-day stuff, I know it's there.

Opinions expressed by parent contributors are their own.


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