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I don't mean clinically depressed, exactly. I just mean sort of a run-of-the-mill, garden variety, emotional horribleness.
My morning sickness has returned with a vengeance, and I'm flattened.
And when I try to remind myself: "You wanted this, you wanted this, you wanted this," it doesn't help at all. In fact, I start thinking, "Maybe I shouldn't have wanted this. Maybe it was all a big mistake."
Bad thoughts, you know? And yet, I remember having those same thoughts with my other two pregnancies - and the thoughts went away after I felt better, and I try to remind myself that they'll go away this time too.
I'm too down, these days, to call people. Or to email. Or to take care of my car inspection, which is overdue. Or to cook, or shop, or clean, or do errands, or parent effectively. I do things in brief snatches, and I do them badly. Today, for example, the dishwasher repairman was here. "There's nothing wrong with your dishwasher," he said authoritatively, packing away his tools. "That residue is detergent and you just need to set your hot water temperature higher."
I pictured the cups and plates and bowls of yesterday and the day before that and the day before that, rough and sticky with food residue - not detergent, food - and I saw myself sliding them into the sink, and I wanted to tell him, "No, you're wrong, it's food." But most of me wanted him to leave. Dan had the girls and I wanted to sleep. So I said, "Fine, fine, thank you, good bye," quickly walking him to the door. And I was relieved when he left, even though I know there really is something wrong with the dishwasher.
The nausea is brutal and relentless. It forces me to be too close to myself, too aware of myself - and I'm so gross these days, I don't want to be that close to myself (or to anyone, for that matter - but especially not myself).
I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting. That's it. And every now and then, I remember how I felt when it cleared with the other two pregnancies - 14 weeks for Anna, 17 for Clara - how it literally gave me a sense of having been reborn. That helps a little. But mainly, I just wait.
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